How to be a Good Mother in Law
Do you have a son who is planning a family and you are working on how to be a good cooperative mother in law as the rumours and myths about fierce mother in laws disturb you a lot?
Well in Asian families, mothers live with their sons even after marriage. In European cultures, sons start their families outside home premises, and parents live separately. However, in both cultural barriers, the mother-in laws relationship with the daughter in law might be seen with the same perspective.
If you are looking for it, it means you are serious about accepting the change and want to change the society norms and beliefs about this relationship.
Here are some tips that are necessary for both kinds of cultural backgrounds i.e living with your daughter in law or living separately.
You need to draw some boundaries and accept some changes to avoid any unpleasant moments with your daughter in law.
8 Tips to be Better Mother in Law
1. Avoid Comparison:
Things can become worse if you continuously start comparing your daughter in law with yourself. Remember your time of marriage was 30-35 years in the century. Life and science has progressed a lot. Do not declare your time’s rules on your daughter in law.
She is a new person to the family and adjustments take a lot more time. Rather than criticising her way of living, try to cheer her up. Old school values are very necessary, and that need to be communicated in a very polite manner. Do not compare your daughter in law with your other daughters, or other members in the family or outside family.
2. Give them space:
They are a couple now. Your son is in a romantic relationship with his wife. You can be an understanding mother in law if you understand that they need personal space. You need to allow them the space and personal time. Ask them to go on walks together, advise them to spend time on weekends, and go for trips. It’s their early life before the actual responsibilities hit them. Let them enjoy their life, and contribute a helping hand when they need it.
3. Avoid criticising
Do your son and daughter in law complain about your excessive criticising? Watch out for your behaviour for a few days. You might be interrupting a lot. If you feel like your son and daughter in law are at a distance with you, they do not share their life with you, or avoid you at home, they might be afraid of being scolded and criticised.
If you comment a lot on your daughter in law’s choices for example, her choices on room decoration, colour selection, her way of dressing and etiquettes of worship, it might offend her or decrease her love for you. She is a part of the family now. Accept her and try to find a way to communicate in a nice tone.
4.Your Son is your daughter in law’s life partner :
One of the problem arises when mothers try to dominate and domineer their sons. Do not be an over controlling mother. Your son is your kid, but now he is committed to a relationship where someone is affiliated with him. Your son is a life partner. Allow him to enjoy his marital relationship and do not burden him with over controlling behaviour. Allow him to take decisions, rather than controlling, be his support system.
You can only earn your son and his wife by your love and intimacy. Only understanding makes it. Love and provide care!
5. Think by keeping yourself at your daughter in law’s place:
How often do you feel triggered by small things? Envy is a natural feeling, you need to avoid triggers by keeping yourself in place of your daughter in law. Imagine your early days of marriage? What were your expectations from your husband? What were your dreams of a happy life? How did you want your mother in law to contribute to your life? Think like this often, especially when you are annoyed by your daughter in law.
Accept her as a family member and be polite to her. Make sure you make her comfortable by being with her son. Avoid natural envy and do not implement the society norms in your relationships.
6. Provide a positive environment:
A positive environment at home is necessary for both the partners and even the parent. Try to create positivity and keep clearing the negative mess by thinking positively. You need to keep the family together in a respectful tone. A mother is the anchor of a family. Whenever any mishap happens, be careful how to deal with it. Instead be freely communicative, and try to focus on solutions rather than problems.
7. When Necessary: Forgive and Apologize:
Being an elder of the family, you need to forgive when needed. Mistakes happen from humans. Do not completely abandon or judge humans on the basis of their mistakes. Your daughter in law can be disturbed and you might be triggering her by continuously abusing her for a mistake. Recall your time when you were new to a family and mishaps would happen. Learn to forgive and teach her politely how to be careful for the next time.
Similarly do not let your ego disturb your relationship with your daughter in law. When you feel like your relationship needs an apology, feel free to apologise. You are a human and you can make mistakes, let that be a normal thing in your family!
8.Do not let your past traumas ruin your present:
You might have lived your life in a toxic environment with your in-laws, if that’s so, break the generational trauma by being a positive mother in law. Offer a helping hand to your daughter in law by helping her with kids, or house chores. You can be a very interactive grandma, and kids love grannies! Do not let your past trauma responses ruin your present!